How does believing in an independently existing self make life better? Does it reduce suffering? Lead to a happier, more peaceful life?
Perhaps these questions feel confusing. You might think, Of course, I have a self—what else would I be? Or you may wonder what I mean by "independently existing." If you haven't spent much time contemplating the nature of the self in this way, these questions might feel abstract. But today, I want to explore how an unquestioned belief in a solid, unchanging self not only interferes with joy but also limits our capacity for genuine care.
That's why this is not a post about giving yourself more time for bubble baths, booking a massage, or indulging in decadent chocolate. This is not a post about being your own Valentine. This is bigger than that.
The Problem with an Overemphasis on the Self
For many of us, self-care is a constant theme. We think about how to protect ourselves, how to set boundaries, how to ensure our needs are met. While there is nothing inherently wrong with these considerations, the way we frame them can either lead to greater freedom or reinforce a false sense of separateness that ultimately makes us less happy.
When we become preoccupied with self-care in the conventional sense, we unintentionally create barriers between ourselves and others. Consider a time when you were deeply concerned about how you looked or how others perceived you. How present were you in that moment? Likely not very. Research from Harvard University on mind-wandering reveals that when our minds are occupied with thoughts unrelated to our present experience, we tend to be less happy. The simple act of thinking about ourselves—whether positively or negatively—distracts us from the fullness of life happening right now.
So, lesson one: Thinking about ourselves less frees us to be more present, and presence is a key ingredient in happiness.
The Joy of Thinking Beyond Your "Self"
Science also supports the idea that generosity increases happiness. Studies have shown that people feel better when they give rather than receive. This points to a fundamental truth: when we shift our focus from self-concern to the well-being of others, we feel more connected and fulfilled.
Lesson two: Thinking about others more increases our own happiness.
Yet, in a time when personal boundaries are emphasized more than ever, self-care can easily become a reinforcement of separateness rather than a path to well-being. While setting boundaries can be healthy, an over-identification with our individual self can create unnecessary divisions between us and others. The more we view ourselves as separate, the more isolated and disconnected we become.
Which leads to Lesson three: Seeing ourselves as interconnected rather than separate leads to greater joy.
The Deeper Issue: The Illusion of an Independent Self
At this point, you might wonder—so what is the problem with believing in an independently existing self? Perhaps you think that I am suggesting, like some spiritual traditions. that we need to get rid of the self altogether, but that’s not quite it. The issue is not that we don’t have a sense of self, but rather that we mistake this sense for something fixed, separate, and unchanging. So the answer is not to get rid of a sense of self, but rather to evolve and mature our understanding of the self in a way that more closely aligns with reality.
In an unhealthy relationship with ourselves, we see the self as solid, permanent, and independent. In a healthy relationship, we recognize it as interdependent, impermanent, and composed of ever-changing conditions. When we mistake appearance for reality, we act in ways that lead to unnecessary suffering. For example, if I believe I exist independently, I might think, Smoking is my personal choice; it doesn’t affect anyone else. But this view is not only inaccurate—it also makes it harder for me to quit. Expanding our understanding of interdependence, we see that our actions have far-reaching consequences, from harming loved ones with secondhand smoke to contributing to pollution and public health burdens.
And here in lies Lesson four: Seeing ourselves as interdependent rather than independent allows us to take greater responsibility for our actions and fosters meaningful connection.
A Healthy View of Self Leads to Change
How we view ourselves directly impacts our ability to grow and change. If we see ourselves as independent and unchanging, we are less likely to alter behaviors that cause suffering. But if we recognize our fluid, interdependent nature, we gain the flexibility to adapt, evolve, and contribute meaningfully to the world around us. And when we contribute meaningfully, we experience deeper joy.
For that reason we have Lesson five: A fluid, interdependent view of self supports transformation and a greater sense of purpose.
Rethinking Self-Care
So what does all of this have to do with self-care? This February, instead of indulging in self-care practices that reinforce a rigid self-concept, I invite you to step beyond the self.
Start by examining your relationship with yourself. Do you see yourself as fixed and independent, or do you recognize your interdependent nature? You can begin this inquiry by asking:
Where is this self I believe to be so solid? Can I locate it in my body? In my thoughts?
Does this self exist without my relationships, my environment, my past experiences?
If I am truly independent, why do my thoughts, emotions, and even my body change constantly?
By looking deeply at these questions, we begin to unravel the illusion of a separate self and move toward a healthier, more spacious way of being.
To be clear, I am not suggesting we abandon all forms of self-care. Taking a bath, eating chocolate, or enjoying solitude can be wonderful—if done with an awareness of interdependence rather than self-indulgence. The key is our motivation.
And this is where things get interesting. Often, we don’t fully examine why we care for ourselves in the ways we do. Could it be that some of our self-care habits are actually reinforcing an illusion of separateness? If so, the best antidote may not be another act of self-care, but an act of care for someone else.
A Practical Invitation
This month, I invite you to shift your self-care practice. Instead of asking, How can I take care of myself today?, try asking, How can I extend care beyond myself today?
Can you perform one small act of generosity each day, whether for a friend, a stranger, or the planet?
Can you approach interactions with an open curiosity rather than self-protection?
Can you engage in activities that nurture both yourself and others simultaneously, such as cooking a meal to share or engaging in a shared creative pursuit?
Rather than dropping into more of what material reality wants from you, challenge your experience. Look deeply and ask questions, and find a healthy relationship with yourself that is grounded in reality and not appearance.
And from this perspective, take care. Not of yourself alone, but of the whole. And in that, you might just find the deeper joy you’ve been seeking.
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